Excerpt
Chapter 11
A New Sense of Family Post-Divorce
Continuity gives us a sense of stability and rootedness, but change is inevitable. When divorce occurs, it often feels like a sea change that shatters your family’s very foundation. Perhaps it feels like you have hit rock bottom. Fortunately, your new family, now a binuclear family, can be built from the bottom up. Whatever you call it—your family, your tribe, your crew, your people, your family of choice—this is your new family, and you will likely benefit from being a member of it.
Almost everyone wants to feel like they belong somewhere. With familiar people who care about them. In a place where they feel welcome and respected for who they are. In a situation that feels safe.
Most families want to provide this for their members, but few are able to consistently match this ideal on a daily basis. Quite apart from whether divorce becomes part of their story, all families face challenges day-to-day as they try to meet their members’ needs. We need to be realistic about what is a “functional” family, divorced or not.
Functional families are not perfect. They can’t be because they are comprised of human beings who are going to be flawed at times. But functional families have healthy boundaries as well as clear rules and roles. Members demonstrate mutual respect for each other, including their differences. They create an environment where feelings and opinions can be shared without fear of harsh criticism or shaming. Communication is open among all, and both conflict and strong emotions are allowed within safe limits. Family members have a sense of belonging together and being a welcome part of each other’s lives. Hopefully, there is also humor, enjoyment, and love. Clearly, there must be the absence of abuse and neglect.
Perhaps you noticed that we did not say that functional families have to be two-parent families. They can be headed by only one parent. If there are two parents, they can be a mom and a dad, two moms, or two dads. And they can be step-families. What matters is that you and your family members embrace love, respect, acceptance and boundaries. You provide each other with a sense of belonging and safety.
In Conclusion
I hope this book will increase the chances that you and your family will be among the ones who are able to grieve, heal, and move on to healthy new family formations no longer defined by divorce. Hopefully, reading it on your own or sharing it with family members gives you things to think about and examples to follow that will keep your hopes alive and your healing process open to positive input. Throughout the process of healing from later-life divorce, however long that may take, remember that no matter how difficult things may seem at the moment, they may very well usher in healthy new possibilities.