Intended Audience
We have all known families who had young children when the parents divorced. We knew there would be disruption and heartache. We knew it would be hard going for a while. We hoped that, over time and with favorable circumstances, family members would move past the pain and find new ways to be happy and feel connected.
But how many of us know people who were already adults when their parents divorced? Probably a lot of us. We just aren’t aware of it because adult children of divorce don’t talk about it much. Even when they identify themselves, we likely assume they had it easier and were less impacted because they were already adults when it happened. Right? Wrong!!
This book sets out to correct that damaging misperception. It stays focused on what is going on on both sides of the generational divide when there is a later-life divorce.
First, being an adult does not insulate anyone from the effects of parental divorce. Along with younger children, adult children generally experience sadness, anger, confusion, disruption, and a profound sense of loss. Additionally, their adult status increases the likelihood that they will be pulled to take sides, be used inappropriately as confidantes, and may even have to assume the burden of responsibility for a troubled parent.
Second, while this group, children of later-life divorce, has mostly been under the public radar, it is a burgeoning number. U.S. divorce rates have been going down steadily for 40 years except for people over 50, where they have doubled, and for people over 65, where they have tripled. Every year around half a million adults from age 18 to their late 40’s or beyond enter into the ranks of Adult Children of Divorce. While the entrance itself may be quiet, the effects reverberate throughout their lives.
For Adult Children
Perhaps you are one of them. Maybe you just graduated from high school. Perhaps you have gone on to, or even graduated from, college. Started a job. Entered professional or graduate school. Married. Started a family. Maybe you were already the parents of teenagers when you heard that your parents were splitting up. This book is for you.
And it is for you even if you passed these milestones long ago and are only now ready to look back at how your parents’ divorce has affected you. Your experience has been ignored and invalidated far too long. Fortunately, there is still a chance to gain understanding, self-compassion, and deep healing.
For Parents
As the parent of an adult child, this book is for you, too, no matter where you are in the divorce process. Even if you are currently in the midst of your own divorce challenges and pain, you can still be a parent who wants to know what your adult children are going through and how you might make it a little easier for them. This is no small feat and it will likely make an enormous difference for your lifelong relationship with them.
If your divorce occurred years ago, it is possible that you were unaware of how it impacted your adult children. Looking back on it with the wisdom and perspective you now have can open up important lines of communication between you and your children which can still promote healing even years later. It is never too late to experience and share compassion and understanding.
The fact that you have picked up this book speaks volumes about your commitment to being a positive influence in their lives. After all you have both been through, you are still their parent and they are still your children no matter how grown-up they are in years. And you are still a family.
And even when our families are far from perfect, they remain an important influence in our lives.
For Families
For both adult children and parents, your family will never be the same following a later life divorce. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have a family. You have the opportunity to forge a new sense of your family and your place in it. This book encourages both parents and adult children to be aware and respectful of your own and each other’s needs and struggles during this turbulent time while still maintaining healthy and appropriate parent-child boundaries.
There are too many losses associated with divorce. To hold onto a solid, healthy parent-child relationship prevents yet another loss. To improve or even mend a troubled relationship may not be out of reach. While it may not seem likely at this moment, being part of a healthy (albeit newly-constructed) family is still possible.
For Professionals Working with Clients Impacted by Later-Life Divorce
Whether you are a mental health professional, attorney or financial advisor, if your client is dealing with later-life divorce, it is important to be aware of its impact on the entire family system. This would be obvious if young children were involved, but it is often overlooked once children are adults.
This book illustrates the challenges of later-life divorce for all members of a family. Familiarity with these multi-generational concerns will alert you to pitfalls to be avoided as you work with your clients. Viewing them as part of an extended, interconnected family system increases the likelihood of healthier outcomes for all members.
